


The Carte Blanche and the Cat From Hell

by firecatwashere



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Alternate Universe - Benzaiten Steel Lives, Carte Blanche Gets A Cat, F/F, Found Family, Gen, M/M, TNAminibang, Trans Peter Nureyev, nureyev has a hypermobility disorder fight me, representation? is that a sauce?, timeline who? oh well benten's here it's already canon divergent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:36:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27037309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firecatwashere/pseuds/firecatwashere
Summary: “Kanagawa? You want to name the family pet after the jackass who tried to kill me for the pilot episode of a stream?”Benten stares back with a shit-eating grin.“How about Catnyagawa instead?”or;Buddy steals a cat.
Relationships: Benzaiten Steel & Juno Steel, Buddy Aurinko/Vespa Ilkay, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Rita & Benzaiten Steel, Rita & Jet Sikuliaq, Rita & Juno Steel, Vespa Ilkay & Peter Nureyev
Comments: 9
Kudos: 65
Collections: Trans Nureyev Agenda Server Minibang!





	The Carte Blanche and the Cat From Hell

**Author's Note:**

> For the Trans Nureyev Agenda server minibang! links to my partners' works in the end notes so you don't forget to check them out too  
> There is a brief reference to Pippa's double from Kitty Cat Caper, but no cats are harmed in this fic! we're here for the found family feelings baybee

Peter Nureyev first becomes aware that there is an 8th life form on the Carte Blanche at 5am the morning after their latest heist. Juno, Rita and Buddy had infiltrated the Ladies’ Society of Olympus Mons to acquire a memory stick loaded with information about every other person in the known universe hunting for the Curemother Prime before the Ladies’ Society auctioned it for charity. He knew their cover had been broken so far as their motives for joining the Society, but the head of the council had, shockingly, taken their aliases at face value. Based on the sound coming down the vent, they had been tailed back by... some kind of feline?? He’ll deal with it in the morning, it’s far too early to look for the source of now-fading meows and his lady’s arms are warm around him. He slips back into sleep with a similar meow ringing through his dreams of the streets on Brahma.

He and Juno wander lazily into the kitchen a few hours later to the sight of a fluffy red cat stretched around Buddy’s shoulders like a scarf, blending slightly with her hair while she nurses one of her nutritional smoothies.

“Hey uh... Buddy, whatcha got there?” Juno asks, looking the cat right in the middle set of eyes.

“Just my usual smoothie, Juno, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about,” Buddy deadpans. “Is there something wrong, Ransom? You look troubled.”

“Merely the fact that you appear to have been tailed back by our most recent mark’s pet cat and you’re letting that - that hellspawn just lie about!!”

Just then, Vespa comes into the kitchen and slips around to Buddy for a kiss, crooning to the animal, “who’s a good hellspawn, yes you are! Yes you are! The best hellspawn in all the solar system!” She looks up to see Ransom looking at the cat with a poorly disguised mixture of fear and disgust. “What, are you a dog person?” At the suggestion, he visibly shudders.

By the time Rita, Jet, and Ben have emerged for breakfast and their family meeting, the cat has curled up in the centre of the table, blinking its 6 eyes lazily.

“Miss Buddy, you never told us we were getting a kitty!!!!!”

“We weren’t, Rita darling, but while I was confronting the president of the Ladies’ Society, she said something rather heinous that I will not dignify repeating and I decided it was best that she was relieved of this creature.” Rita’s face drops into an expression of absolute shock. “They weren’t hurting the poor kitty-cat, were they?? If they hurt a hair on her sweet lil head, I’ll-”

“The cat was not being harmed, but I assure you, she is better off here.”

“Well what’re we gonna name her then? I think we should call her Rita 2.”

Benten pipes up just then, asking, “Can we give her my old alias? I have a feeling I’m never going to be Osiris Nickel again. Oooh, or Kanagawa! You know, like Catch Up at Casa Kanagawa?” 

Juno gives him the kind of death glare that you simply cannot give if you don’t have siblings. “Kanagawa? You want to name the family pet after the jackass who tried to kill me for the pilot episode of a stream?” Benten stares back with a shit-eating grin. 

“How about Catnyagawa instead?”

There’s a full minute of silence before Vespa bursts out laughing. “Cat - Cat-nya-gawa? I hope someday you get to rub that in those smug bastards’ faces!!” 

Juno groans as his bagel pops out of the toaster. “No indulging Benten’s obsession with shitty stream series.”

“Hey! C’mon, Juno, I have practically the same taste in streams as Rita!” 

“Now, now,” Buddy stares at them both: Juno’s arm raised to throw his bagel, Benten preparing to dodge, “No sibling fights over breakfast. Sit down, we need to make a supply run, most likely on the asteroid Cruithne. It’s about two days’ flight away, and in that time there are two things I want to focus on: agreeing on a name for the cat, and figuring out the breed. You have the day to yourselves, and we’ll discuss names again at dinner.”

After breakfast, everyone parts ways - Buddy and Vespa head off to see what needs restocking, Juno declares he’s going to teach Ransom to make centennial centipede curry, and Rita commandeers Jet and Benten into the lounge for a stream marathon. 

“So once you’ve added the masala, you cover it and let it simmer for- honey, you want me to go grab your brace?” Juno turns away from the stove to see Nureyev leaning against the counter, cautiously examining his wrist, which appears to have slipped out of place slightly.

“If you could? I should be able to get this set by the time you come back.”

Juno walks into their room and immediately finds the cat nestled in an open drawer, chewing on one of his socks and shedding all over Peter’s braces.

“Hey, hellspawn. That might be a comfy spot but you’re sitting on the things that keep my boyfriend’s joints in one piece and I need you to move.” The cat yowls and shifts slightly, clearly indicating that she’s not going anywhere. “Hey, seriously. You’re sitting right on top of the one thing I need to grab!” Juno grits his teeth. “C’mon, kitty, there’s _tuna brick_ in the kitchen for you.”

“Juno? What’s taking so long?” He turns, and Nureyev is behind him in the doorway.

“Osiris Nickel over here is sitting on top of your wrist brace. And ankle brace. And knees. And elbows. And she won’t move, even for _tuna brick_.”

“Juno, we don’t have any tuna brick on the ship.”

“No, but most cats know the sound of being offered _treats_.”

“Come now, Juno, sometimes you have to pick up the animal and place her somewhere else. I’d do it myself, but I did just sublux a wrist.”

“Yeah, well, last time I picked up a cat I had to toss it off a balcony before it exploded,” Juno mutters before scooping the surprisingly pliant cat into his arms and then down onto the bed. She yowls at him again, then jumps up and runs off. “Besides, I thought you didn’t like her?”

“My initial impression was that she posed a security threat, but considering Buddy brought her here knowingly, I may be amenable to her presence.”

Meanwhile, in the lounge, the holoscreen is up, the couch has been transformed into maximum coze, and Rita is infodumping about the history of microwave popcorn.

“You have told me this before, Rita, but I appreciate your unwavering memory of the information. It is delightful to listen to you talk about things you enjoy.” 

“Aw, thanks, Mista Jet!” Rita trails off from the microwave popcorn ramble and starts tapping away at her comms next to the pile of blankets Benten has situated himself underneath. There’s a soft meow, and Hellspawn hops up onto the couch. 

“Heeey, kitty! Are you done annoying Juno?” Ben scritches her between the ears lazily. “You gonna stick around and watch Catch Up at Casa Kanagawa with us?” she blinks all six eyes slowly, purring softly.

Several episodes later, Ben and Jet are half asleep and Hellspawn has sprawled over to swat at Rita. “Oh, you want some popcorn? It’s salmon flavoured!” She drops a piece of pink popcorn into the cat’s mouth, and suddenly a plume of flame annihilates the morsel and catches the edge of her sleeve. “Oh no, oh no, oh no.” Panicking, she starts flapping the sleeve around, before Jet takes hold of her arm gently but firmly before anything else can catch fire. 

“Rita, what is going on?” Still holding Rita’s arm, he reaches behind the couch for a fire extinguisher.

“I tried to give Catnyagawa a piece of popcorn and she breathed fire on the popcorn and me!!!” 

“Hmm. This may pose a problem. We will have to observe how often she does this, and most likely fireproof the ship in the meantime. I am going to take you to Vespa now to ensure you do not sustain significant burns.” Rita nods softly, looking for the cat, who has returned to.

“Aw, she’s all cuddled up with Benten! I think he’ll be alright with her for now, looks like he’s asleep.” 

  
  


“So, do we have any name ideas for the cat? Preferably of the variety that won’t incite violence.” Buddy glances around the table over dinner, surveying the faces of the family.

“I do not know why we need to give her a name, she already has one. Why can we not call her Cat?” Jet offers.

“Assuming Ben and Rita haven’t spent the whole afternoon giving her treats for responding to Catnyagawa so we can’t name her anything else, I’m kinda liking Hellspawn.” Juno and his twin exchange lighthearted death glares.

“Honestly, I mainly called her that to piss off Ransom, but it’s growing on me too,” Vespa adds, gesturing with a forkful of curry in hand. “Irony, and all that.”

Benten clears his throat softly. “I was thinking maybe we could name her Andromeda, but Hellspawn suits her too.” Juno looks at him, eyes warm and wavering, for a fraction of a second before blinking and looking intently at the salt shaker.

“Well, I suppose it’s settled. Do we know anything about what breed Hellspawn is yet?”

“No, but we know she breathes fire! When Mistah Jet an’ Ben and I were watching Game of Drones this morning she burned a piece of popcorn and set my shirt on fire!!” Rita mimes an explosion with her hands.

“Interesting. That should narrow down the possibilities of her breed, though it does complicate things slightly.”

“Hey, Bud?” Vespa calls across their shared quarters from the sink where she’s brushing her teeth. The room is warm, with gentle lighting and the bed, desk, sofa and cabinets all in shades of sunset and Martian desert. The colours of home.

“Yes, Vespa?”

“I have an idea about the cat. Do you think there’s any training we could get her to do to help me?” Buddy’s warm hands slip around her arms, familiar and safe.

“Probably,” Buddy backs away just enough to give Vespa room to spit into the sink and rinse her toothbrush. “What did you have in mind, love?”

“Maybe... we could train her to alert me when anyone comes into the same room as me?” She weaves her fingers between Buddy’s. “We could probably also teach her to help ground me, yeah?”

“I would teach that cat to do anything for you, dear heart.”

“Bud?”

“Yes, love?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Vespa.”

  
  
  
  


The following morning at breakfast, Rita is last to the table, but she comes in carrying a comms screen and the cat, looking like she could power a thousand light bulbs with whatever she’s about to say. “Mornin’, Mista Steel!” she practically screams into Juno’s ear, “You’ll never guess what I discovered!”

Juno shudders away slightly, dropping the spoon back into his cereal.“Not when you come in trying to blow out my eardrums I won’t!”

“What did you discover, Rita darling?” Buddy asks, looking mildly affronted by Rita’s cat-holding technique.

“Miss Hellspawn over here is a Brahmese Pocket Tiger!” Rita declares, holding the cat up like The Lion King. “I hacked into the Saturn Planetary Animal Rescue database and cross-referenced her DNA with their breed identification charts.”

Ransom nearly spits coffee across the room. “I’m sorry, a Brahmese Pocket Tiger?”

“Uh-huh, all the way from the Outer Rim! They’re all the rage on Neptune.”

Buddy clears her throat from across the table. “Well, now we know. We should be landing on Cruithne by midafternoon, and I want you all ready to go grocery shopping.”

  
  


“Vespa, may I come in? Is Hellspawn in here?” Nureyev asks, ducking his head into the lounge where Vespa is on the couch with the cat.

“Sure, Ransom, as long as you’re not here to antagonize her.” 

“I wanted to bond, actually. When I was younger, on Brahma, and expected to live and die there, I told myself I would eventually have a cozy home with a cat, and life would be alright. I feel like I unfairly judged her.” Vespa’s dagger gaze softens slightly; a silent message of understanding, of common hopes and dreams realized in unexpected ways. 

“I think Hellspawn is a good name for her. Bit vain, though, naming her after yourself?”

“Oh, you wound me! You are too cruel,” Nureyev mimes offense. “I’m glad you approve.”

They sit together in silence for a little while, with Hellspawn purring between the two of them, watching the galaxy go by on the holoscreen. It’s a comfortable silence, for once.

  
  


“Juno? Mind if I come in?” Benten knocks softly on the open door. “Can we talk about dinner last night?”

“Sure, yeah, come in.” Juno is sprawled across the bed in his and Ransom’s quarters, staring at the ceiling. Ben flops down beside him and says, “Was it alright, suggesting Andromeda? I thought it could be a nice way to honour everything that happened without putting the focus on Mom, you know?”

“Yeah, I think it was kind of... nice, actually. Just surprising.” Juno sighs. “I thought you’d have avoided referencing that entirely, to be honest.” He reaches over to grab Benten’s hand and squeezes. Ben squeezes back tightly. 

“I wanted to recognize everything that shaped us. But honestly, I think it’s probably good that we went with Hellspawn instead.”

“Says the gentleman who wanted to call her Catnyagawa? I should tell Cecil about that.” And then he and Ben are laughing and scrapping like kids again, too caught up in nostalgia to care that they knowingly passed the point of no return the moment they boarded the ship.

When the Carte Blanche lands at a busy Cruithne spaceport, the crew is assembled in the kitchen, tired and happy and warm: Rita, leaning into Jet’s arm; Vespa playing rock-paper-scissors with Benten; Juno gazing into Ransom’s eyes like he can see the entire galaxy in them; and Buddy, drinking in the joyful sight of the little family she’s put together.

**Author's Note:**

> As promised, podfic by Jeanette [entropyre](https://twitter.com/entropyre) and art by Stacey [alamangoes](https://twitter.com/alamangoes) !!  
> this was a lot of fun to write, thank you both for helping me fill in the details of the chaotic joy that is giving the Aurinko Crime Family a cat.
> 
> you can find me on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/enbygrackle) or tumblr [here](https://arotimstoker.tumblr.com)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Carte Blanche and the Cat From Hell [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27077185) by [entropyre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/entropyre/pseuds/entropyre)




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